David Rosoff Resigns From Mozza; Celebrations Turn Violent

Clashes erupted Tuesday afternoon throughout Los Angeles as pro-David Rosoff supporters clashed with the anti-Rosoff movement after news broke that the controversial general manager of Osteria Mozza had announced his resignation.

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged the city to be calm, but put the LAPD on a citywide “Tactical Alert” as emergency rooms on the Westside began filling with injured demonstrators, many of them wounded by flying, two-day-old stuzzicinni toasts.

Rosoff, the opening manager at Mozza, had come under pressure to retire or resign from a coalition of woman's rights groups, Muhammad For Tips members, cat's rights activists, Helen Turley, Doctors with Borders, but without Stethoscopes, the Rollin 60s,  OPEC, The  United Oaky Chardonnay Front, MADD, Robert Parker and the remnants of Al Queda in Mesopotamia to step down in face of a growing scandal over his position on whither or not Tony the dishwasher should be rehired.

Rosoff had insisted Tony be rehired, but also demanded three Delta Force commandos be hired to provide himself with 24/seven security. Mozza director of operations Alex Munoz had suggested a compromise where Tony would be rehired, but two of his closest Nine-O Crip homies would provide security for Rosoff.  Rosoff rejected that idea flat out.

Rosoff had become a polarizing figure early in his career at Mozza, which opened in 2006, when he announced he was adamantly against servers dropping and breaking glasses in the dining room. By 2008, he had instituted a strict - some say dacronian - policy where by if any server, bartender, expo or runner broke a wine glass in Osteria Mozza, Rosoff himself would stare at them with utter contempt for up to seven seconds.

Former Mozza employees Megan Tropea, Pilar Arias, Brian Monahan, Nicole Avrin, Murray Rubenstein, Timothy Jenkins, and Daniel Flores all described that as "the longest seven seconds in modern history."

Mozza owner Nancy Silverton expressed surprise Tuesday afternoon upon hearing Rosoff had retired.

"I didn't even know he was still working here," Silverton said.  "Hey, will he still get me cases of red wine?"

Anticipating a drop in business due to Rosoff’s retirement, Erehwon, Gilt and UPS announced they would lay off up to 15% of their workforce.

Rosoff's mysterious girlfriend, rumored to be educated, would not return calls to Krikorian Writes. However, a source close to her said after learning the news on Kate Green's @Funwithkate Twitter account, she began "drinking heavily and mumbling, 'He told me he had a job. He told me he had a good job.'"

A spokeswoman for Mozza CEO Adriel "AD" Lopez would not confirm or deny Will Simons from Rochester, New York would become the new GM. However, a Facebook posting by Simons just hours ago stated he was "dazed". A friend of Simons, speaking on the condition of anonymity, dismissed that and said "It's normal for him to be dazed." 

As night began to fall on the east coast, President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office.  “These are difficult times for all of us, especially Michelle who loved 'D R', but, we are Americans and we will get through this."

A few advisors and Vice President Biden shook Obama's hand. However, the president apparently did not know his lapel microphone  was still wired on and Obama was heard laughing and saying   "Well, Joe, looks like it's time for some 'Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes' over at Osteria. I sure hope Simons doesn't like Bowie.  Sweet  Muhammad, I'm sick of that playlist."

David Rosoff in his office at Mozza.