Zamensky Becomes First Human Robbed By Three Species

When a red-tailed hawk mugged Orange County Pizzeria Mozza manager Doug Zamensky recently, authorities initially thought it was just another robbery in Newport Beach where rampant crime is an accepted way of life. However, when a detective started digging, she discovered this was no ordinary robbery for it marked the first time in the history of mankind that a human being had been robbed by three different species.

"I knew Zamansky had been robbed by humans before, Grape, Rollin 60s, and I think 18, but what i didn't know was that as a youth in Idaho he had been robbed and briefly kidnapped by a pair of jackals," said Orange County Sheriff's investigator Marissa LaBarbera. "It appears Zamensky is known throughout the predatory animal kingdom."

For his part, Zamensky tried to play off a TMZ-leaked security camera frame of the robbery-in-progress (seen below) as being "Staged in the den of an Emmy-winning producer. Not a big deal really."

Sadly, a source close to the investigation said Zamensky was forced at beak point to dress up as a penguin and take orders from the hawk, an alleged bird shot caller for the Family Swan Bloods. Zamensky's hands were so damaged in the assault that even the hawk took pity and wrapped them in large brown bandages, as clearly seen in the photo. Zamensky is said to be resting comfortably at Hoag Hospital in the psychiatric ward.  

Doug Zamansky shortly before he was rescued by Yosemite Fish and Game Commandos