"THE BIG SPILL"; ARE PAPER TOWELS AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?

“Since when did paper towels become essential?” Nancy Silverton asked me. “Do you mean to tell me that Americans spill that much?”

For whatever reason. when the pandemic hit, among the first items to vanish - along with toilet paper and hand sanitizer - were, indeed, paper towels. Opinions of paper towels skyrocketed almost overnight.

And, as it turns out, by March 30, a week after learning Nancy had tested positive we were down to one roll of Bounty.

That was not some exaggeration. some desperate plea for help. It was hard cold inventory. One roll of paper towels. How the hell is a family of two suppose to survive on one roll of paper towels?

Has it ever even been done? Some hard things in life are inevitable. I get being stuck 27,500 feet up on the side of Mount Everest for a few days. Clinging big time. That’s not unusual. Hell, that’s a monthly occurrence and you know those Sherpas will come get you. That’s what they do. The Sherpa economy survives on stranded mediocre climbers. But, an entire house with one roll of paper towels? Who could ever predict that?

It became painfully clear in the early evening hours of March 30 that we would have to start rationing. Run of the mill spills would have to be wiped with my socks - while still on my feet. Minor spills and leaks were granted immunity.

Mixed emotions hit us hard. We looked back wistfully to the time our friend Duke, in a stupor, lavishly peeled off seven, eight sheets of Bounty just to wipe up a drop of fallen onion dip. Boy, those were the days.

With us at San Quarantine and under orders from wardens Garcetti and Newsom - who we admire - not to go anywhere, what was gonna happen.

The, like a bolt of lightening out of the old Testament. Lance Ohnstad, the legendary host at Pizzeria Mozza. called. ‘I’m going to the market What do you need?”

I wanted to tell him “Do you have any idea of what we’ve been going through?”. But, I simply said “paper towels.”

“Paper towels? lance said. “That all? Maybe a McLaren Senna while i’m at it?”

But, two hours later. against all odds. a 1969 VW Bug pulled up in front of the house next door and Lance got out with two, count em. two rolls of paper towels. He dropped them off on the neighbor’s lawn, a safe 45 feet away and drove off.

i sprinted to the towels before the hoards got to them

We had defense against spills. For now.