HOWARD WEITZMAN HIRED TO DEFEND BRUTUS IN RETRIAL OF JULIUS CAESAR STABBING

Famed Los Angeles attorney Howard Weitzman will defend Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus in the highly anticipated retrial of the infamous Julius Caesar stabbing assassination on March 15, 44 B.C. in Rome.

Brutus Albinus, much better known as simply Brutus, was convicted of murder in the first degree in a highly publicized trial in 45 B.C. and sentenced to LWOP, life without the possibility of parole. Since the fall of the Roman Empire in 476 A.D., , Brutus has sought a retrial  

Weitzman, who left Los Angeles on April 7th to join the prestigious firm of Hammurabi, Cicero, Darrow and Kardashian located on the westside of Mount Olympus, held a press conference Monday on the steps of the Really High Court to make the announcement he had taken the case. The unusual maneuver was more like an opening statement than a presser.

“The evidence will show that my client did not kill Julius Caesar and was, in fact, rushing to protect him from an unruly mob,” Weitzman said with a slight smirk. “Mr. Caesar was Folsom shanked 23 times. Look at my client. He couldn’t shank a spencer prime roast from Vincente Foods let alone fully grown adult with more attitude than anyone since Alexander.”

Weitzman laid much of the blame for Brutus’s centuries-long assumption of guilt conviction on William Shakespeare who famously wrote about Caesar’s killing, undoubtedly the most famous assassination in history.

“Shakes did more damage to my client’s reputation than all the forensic evidence in Rome, “ said Weitzman, who, as is his style, was juggling doing the press conference with making lunch reservations, this time at Escoffier’s new bistro. “When Shakespeare wrote that Caesar said ‘Et tu, Brutus’, that’s all the public heard. Hold on. Do you have the roast Bresse chicken stuffed with Perigord truffles today? Yes, where was I? Oh, yeah.  Brutus loved big Julie.  The trial will show that.”

Weitzman contended that since security footage of the Caesar assassination is “spotty at best” and several eyewitnesses to the brutal attack who were not allowed to testify in the original trial, will testify in the retrial and “put enough reasonable doubt to free my client.”

“Look, Brutus has been held without bail in a holding cell since 44 B.C, that’s, what, 2,065 years. I would normally argue for ‘time served’, but he is adamant about clearing his name.”

Weitzman even leaned further into what will likely be a key element of his defense when he spoke of incriminating evidence against Brutus in the first trial.

“They claimed a bloody toga was my client’s,” Weitzman said. “I will prove in court it was not. Brutus was way too fat to wear that toga. If the toga doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

Sources close to the investigations told this reporter that Weitzman was being paid in rare bottles of wine including a 47 B.C. Chateau Cheval Blanc, a 217 B.C. Panicale rosso H, Barca Cuvee and a 2009 A.D. L’Evangile.

 A reporter in the crowd asked Weitzman how he was getting along in his new home.

“They call this place heaven, but I was already in Heaven on Earth with my Margaret by side,” said Howard, his voice uncharacteristically cracking. “I saw some footage yesterday of Margaret with tears in her eyes. I want you to get word to her.  Relish those tears. Those tears are from me. I have them for you. There are two tears. The ones that tear your heart and the one that fall from your eyes.  Some people never have tears of any kind. Those poor souls. We are blessed and we have tears.”

Then Weitzman appeared to have a revelation of sorts. “Tears and tears,” he said softly, seemingly to himself.  “Hmm. Tears and tears. ‘Tears and tears. At Hammurabi, Cicero, Darrow, Kardashian and Weitzman we get rid of them both.’ That could be our logo. I’m gonna run this by Hammurabi. Can you text up here?”