NANCY, DAN RICHER, CHRIS BIANCO & FRANCO PEPE UNITE TO MAKE ONE PIZZA

BY JIMMY DOLAN

With late night talk show hosts from countless galaxies making Earth the butt of their evening jokes, four renowned human chefs held a news conference Monday to announce they will team up to make a special pizza with the proceeds going toward helping this planet get its act together.

The four chefs - Nancy Silverton, Chris Bianco, Dan Richer and Franco Pepe - will each have their own slice of this 4-slice pizza, named the United Slices of Earth.  

“Imagine Rembrandt, Leonardo da Vinci, Pablo Picasso and Vinny Van Gogh painting on a single canvas,” said Anthony Bourdain from an undisclosed location. “Each of them will have a slice, a corner of this pizza. ”

 The goal of the pizza is to end war, hunger, disease and have the rest of the Universe look up to us, something that hasn’t happened since the recording/video of “We Are The World” was released.

 The family of Edward Hooper filed a formal complaint with the United Nations for not being included in this mythical painting.

 As the Tribune went to press, no pizzaiola had objected to not being included in this real pizza.

NANCY WITH JDAN RICHER OF RAZZA IN JERSEY CITY

Nancy with franco pepe of pepe in grani in Caiazzo

Nancy with Bronz boy Chris bianco of pizzeria bianco in phoenix and los angeles

JOINT SENATE/HOUSE INVESTIGATION OF MISSING SINGLE SOCKS REVEALS STUNNING RESULTS

A joint U.S. Senate and House of Representative three-year investigation concluded Monday with the extraordinary findings that Black Americans and White Americans lose single socks after a washing/drying session at nearly identical rates.

 The joint committee, chaired by Joe Manchin (D-South Virgina,) found out that for every 100 washing and drying episodes, White Americans lost a single sock 34.72% of the time, while Blacks lost a single sock 34.74% of them time.

 “I know many Americans were initially outraged that senators and congressional representatives took three years to get these findings, but with these fascinating results, I am almost pretty sure they will understand the time and millions of dollars spent were well worth it,” said Manchin, a professional bitch.

 Others said the findings were extremely “telling”.

 “Although it was closer than I thought, 34.72% to 34.74%, it is clearly a win for White Americans,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene, a relatively well-known fecal matter. “Maybe the darks should organize their clothes better, or at least look harder in the dryer for a missing sock.  Hey, I just realized that darks probably don’t separate dark and white clothing. That sure says something.”

 When pressed by Bob Woodward what that actually “says”, she refused to answer.

 After releasing the findings both the senate and the house announced they would be on summer vacation and would resume meetings in early October to discuss the Russian invasion of Ukraine and, more importantly to figure out a way to lower the price of gasoline by six cents per gallon without resulting in block-long lines at gas stations across the United States of America. Congressional  analysts has stated a  drop of 6 pennies for a gallon would mean that American drivers could save 96 cents – nearly one dollar - on a single 16 gallon fill-up.

 “To some, that may not seem like a lot,” said fecal matter Taylor-Greene. “But if you fill up 400 million times, that would really add up.”

NANCY SILVERTON'S "PANICALE PEASANT ZUPPA" NAMED BEST SOUP OF THE YEAR FOR 2022

Yes, mister and misses know-it-all,. I realize there are over 360 days left in the year 2022 and, as they say, “anything can happen.”

But, the truth is “anything” can’t happen.

Sunday, on the second day of the year, Nancy Silverton made a soup so delicious that many of the world’s greatest restaurant chef and the world’s revered home cooks formally announced they could not make a soup takes that good even if they tried for the next 363 days. As a result, the the ISF, the International Soup Federation based in Geneva. formally proclaimed Silverton’s Panicale Peasant Zuppa as “Soup of The Year, 2022”.

The soup was of humble origins. The base or starting broth aka bouillon de demarrage was he liquid of long cooked beans from a New Year’s Eve meal. (It should be noted that several prominent chefs including Mauro Colagreco, Andreas Caminada, Alain Ducasse and Ruth Reichl lodged formal complaints with the ISF claiming the Panicale Peasant soup could not be named Soup of the Year 2022 because it was started in 2021. The compliant was tossed out with the following admonition “Thinking like that would lead to other complaints such as you could not win the Nobel Peace Prize for one year because you had done some good stuff the previous year,” said Dr. Hans Christian “Pea Soup” Anderson, ISF’s Director of Operations.

So the soup. It was made with cabbage, Rovejo dried pea native to Umbria. unnamed seasonings. a cardboard box of vegetable broth. potatoes and other things. The write Michael Krikorian was the only human to have it for dinner. Later, however, Nancy gave a small container of Panicale Peasant Soup it her sister Gail and brother-in-law Joel. She wanted to give them more, but Krikorian would not allow this to happen, even though he likes Joel and Gail.

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NANCY SILVERTON'S "PANICALE FRITTATA" TAKES EARLY LEAD IN BEST DISH OF 2022 COMPETITION

As soon at the gate fell for the start of the Best Dish World Championship 2022, American chef Nancy Silverton stomped on the gas and took a commanding lead with an egg dish that had the few fortunate diners thanking their lucky constellations and the competition wondering how the hell where they going to catch up.

Silverton, cooking in her pajamas, and using two eggs, made her revered Panicale Frittata which, today, had artichokes, ham and swiss cheese.

It was, in its original meaning, delicious.

With Silverton safely in the lead for best dish of the year 2022, others contenders scrambled ( not eggs) to think how they could close the gap. Massimo Bottura said he needed to be alone. Rene Redzepi took a walk in the woods. Thomas Kellar considered retirement. Fredy Girardet considered offers to come out of retirement.

After Michael Krikorian told her how good the dish was and she had just made the best dish of 2022, Silverton shrugged and said “It’s just eggs.” Yeah, and that stuff on the “Mona Lisa” is just paint.

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F.D.R.- NANCY SILVERTON'S STUNNING LABOR DAY CREATION, FRITOS DIPPED RUDY (BUTTER)

For the last two hours, Nancy Silverton and I have pondered where in carnation we could eat out tonight, Labor day, 2021.

Everywhere we tried was closed. Even Mozza is closed today. You name it, we tried. Connie and Ted’s. Alimento. Carousel. Jitlada. A bunch of other places.

And if you know the refrigerator at the Van Ness home, you know other than some condiments and Captn Eli root beer, it’s barren. I mean there is some Rudy, aka Rodolphe Le Meunier Buerre de Barrate French butter,

And on the counter there are a three-day old bag of Fritos, Original, or course.

So I’m figuring I’ll lose several ounces tonight when I hear Nancy say “Umm. That’s delicious. Try this.”

I go into the kitchen and she’s holding out a single Frito with a gob of Rudy on it. I take and eat.

Do you know the opening lines of “Cheek to Cheek"?

Nancy says “Crunchy, salty and creamy in one bite. What more could you ask for?”

Nancy has created another masterpiece. Today in the Times of London there is an article about Nancy’s Chopped. And today in Krikorian Writes there is this article about Nancy’s brilliant Fritos dipped with Rudy butter, aka F. D. R.

As I go type this, as always, Nancy is trying to improve the dish. “Next time, get Scoops.”

“Heaven, I’m in Heaven. And the cares that come around me though the week, seem to vanish, like a gambler’s lucky streak, when we’re out together dancing cheek to cheek. “

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27 DAYS ALONE ON VACATION, NANCY AND MICHAEL DOING GREAT 99.7% OF THE TIME, EXPERTS SAY “THAT’S NOT HEALTHY”

“Let’s Get Lost quote.

Getting away from it all is one of life’s grand pleasure. Even if you are alone. And when a couple gets away, especially a couple often surrounded by others, it is the ultimate.

Still, that can turn volatile as fast as Hamilton and Verstappen on Copse Corner at Silverstone. A mumbled reply, a misplaced key, an accusation, a glance, a spill. Little things that go big.

That has not happened for Nancy Silverton and Michael Krikorian who have been living together - and alone - for the last 27 days. It has been wonderful and in Krikorian’s words “Our best vacation ever.” Nancy agrees.

The couple’s vacation has been tracked via the international “How’s My Vacation?’ website and - other than some very minor disagreements - their vacation has been nearly flawless. Silverton Krikorian has scored an unheard of 99. 75"% GAG (Getting Along Great) rating. the highest of any couple from the Western Hemisphere since the website debuted in 1989.

A conflict resolution analyst from the United Nations said there have been several key factors in the couple’s astounding GAG rating Even Krikorian’s driving has played a role in the two getting along so well.

“He is speeding as usual. but, and this is key. he’s not accelerating in the corners and yelling out “Fangio!” or “Senna!” or “Hamilton!” like in previous years,” said Edward Felson, assistant director of of the UN’s “Can’t We All Get Along” Division. “That makes a difference because that would drive Silverton bonkers.”

As an example. Belson referred to 2017 Panicale when Krikorian bought up Aryton Senna. Juan Fangio and Lewis Hamilton more than 140 times in a 37 day period. So far after 25 days. he has only mentioned Fangio four time. Senna three and Hamilton three. This has pleased Nancy no little.

As for Silverton, another observer from the United Nations said Krikorian is reaping the benefits of being the only person with her.

“Nancy is a giver and she has no one else to look after. and feed so all of her focus is on Krikorian. the lucky motherfucker. “ said Walter Payton. of the Sweetness Institute “If you listen to the tape, everyday she is asking Michael ‘What can I make you to eat? What do you want?”

And the music they have been listening to. the Piazza Mozza playlist made by both of them has been the ideal sound track. Nancy is even liking Bruce Springsteen tunes such -“Moonlight Motel. “The Wrestler” and “The Land of Hope and Dreams”.

Still, with that astoudning 99. 75 rating. some are concerned ithey are getting along too well.

“It’s not normal to get along that good,” said Dr. Robert Schneidemeider, of the University of Vienna “To take use of an old standards, ‘Something’s Gotta Give.”

That might be the key. Or maybe Someone’s gotta give.

SEEING THE POETRY OF GILLES VILLENEUVE’S BROKEN FERRARI

“That’s the poetry of everyday life. You have to be ready to see things as others don’t even imagine. Make visible the invisible.” – Massimo Bottura, 2014 

 Walking to a lunch reservation at Massimo Bottura’s Osteria Francescana, Nancy Silverton stepped into a Modena second-hand vintage shop  and came out of telling me of the many Ferrari models inside  I went in and after consulting with the owner, purchased an F40 for my small collection in Panicale, Umbria and a Formula One, a model,  the owner said, of the four-time World Champion Alain Prost, who is half French half Armenian and famous for his duels with Ayrton Senna.

Of course, I had to buy that. I got it with the intention of giving it as a gift to Massimo Bottura to add to his collection of model Ferraris he has on display in his restaurant’s wine cellar that double as  private dining room.  On our walk is to  his restaurant – named #1 in 2016 and 2018 by the World’s 50 Best Restaurants organization and, for the record, not illegible currently because he had already won  - the plastic bag I was carrying with the the models inside slipped out of my hand and fell to the cobblestone street. I didn’t think anything of it as the shop owner had wrapped the models in layers of newspaper.

We went to Osteria and Nancy and I were sat in the wine cellar, reserved for friends of the house.  We were immediately poured two goblets of 2011 Ca’ del Bosco Annamaria Clementi Franciacorta sparkling wine. In preparation of Massimo’s greeting, I unwrapped the F1 Ferrari and to my sheer disappointment saw it was broken. When the bag fell, it had severely damaged the F1 car. One front and one rear wheel and tire were busted off, another was loose. Brakes were busted.  Damnit. God damnit. I could not give Bottura a broken model.   

Nancy and I tried in vain to put the tires back on but it was too intricate and key pieces were broken. I put it away. I didn’t know what I would do with it. Maybe it was destined for trash.

Within moments, Nancy came to the Ferrari’s rescue. “Okay,” she said, “I’ll give you the chance to say it.”

“Say what?”

“Think about what you can say to Massimo about the Ferrari.”

I couldn’t think of anything.

“Come on,” Nancy said. “You’re the writer.  You gonna feel stupid when I tell you. Your gonna wish you came up with this.”

I scanned my mind, but came up empty. “Nancy, what?”                                                                                                                   

She had a sly smile, She knew she had a winner and then she just said it. “Oops, I dropped the Ferrari.”

O. M. G. Straight out brilliant.  She had just saved the Ferrari from garbage bin. She had seen the poetry where I couldn’t envision. She had made the invisible quite visible.   

Massimo’s most famous dessert is called “Oops, I dropped the lemon tart.” which was accidently born when a Osteria Francescana sous chef, Taka Kondo, well, he dropped a lemon tart. Bottura told a food publication this.  "Taka was ready to kill himself because he's Japanese and his culture doesn't make mistakes, or they make mistakes but they're not allowed to. So, I saved Taka's life saying 'Taka, it's amazing’.”

Bottura and staff went on to painstakingly recreate Kondo’s fallen tart and “Oops, I dropped the Lemon Tart” became a classic.”

So when Nancy said “Oops, I dropped the Ferrari” I knew that was the magical line to say to Massimo. Though he came to our table three times that lunch – one of the best meals of my life – none was the appropriate time to drop the magical line. That night we went to Massimo and his wife Lara’s small heavenly countryside hotel called Casa Maria Luigia. Nancy was too full to eat but I indulged in his classics; 48-month culatello, tortellini Parmigianino, psychedelic beef, even the “Oops, I dropped the Lemon Tart.” I told the Ferrari story to our server Domenico and the chef Jessica Rosval who was just named by Guide dell L’Expresso as the best female chef in Italy which she was particularly proud of because she’s from Canada. From Montreal’s West Island.

I asked Domenico for a plate and he added he would bring a plate and cloche, the plate topper He did and I put the Ferrari, broken pieces and all in there and topped it with the cloche.

Massimo came by and I told him the story – I got you a Formula One Ferrari. Alain Prost’s model. Bag slipped out of my hand. We looked at it. Couldn’t give to you. Then Nancy had the line.

As I lifted the cloche, I said the “Oops, I dropped the Ferrari.”  He gasped, walked away about five steps and came back and said “Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. (Yes, four “amazings” from Massimo Bottura.)

I gave Nancy all the credit and he hugged her. He looked back at the Ferrari and immediately said ”Not Prost. Gilles Villeneuve. Number 27. That was Villeneuve’s car.”

That made it all the more special to me and others. Gilles Villeneuve was one of the fastest drivers in Formula One history. He died in a horrible airborne crash in 1982 during qualifying for the Belgium Grand Prix at Zolder. F1 legend Nikki Lauda said this of him;. "He was the craziest devil I ever came across in Formula 1.   The fact that, for all this, he was a sensitive and lovable character rather than an out-and-out hell-raiser made him such a unique human being". (Out of respect to Gilles, I need to say his son, Jacques, became the first Canadian to win the Formula One World Championship in 1997.)

When chef Jessica joined in the table again I told her it wasn’t Prost’s car it was Gilles Villeneuve’s. She almost cried. Villeneuve was a Canadian as well.

Massimo took the broken Ferrari away “I am going to frame this.”

Gilles Villeneuve is still remembered at Grand Prix races, especially those in Italy. At the Autodromo Enzo e Dino Ferrari, the site of the San Marino Grand Prix, a corner is named after him and a Canadian flag is painted on the third slot on the starting grid, from which he started his last race. There is also a bronze bust of him at the entrance to the Ferrari test track at Fiorano in Maranello. At Zolder the corner where Villeneuve died has been turned into a chicane and named after him.

And soon, at one of the world’s greatest restaurants or its family hotel, one of the world’s greatest Formula One drivers, now invisible, will be made visible.

KATE GREENBERG OFFICIALLY ELECTED 2020 MOZZA EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR

In what many are calling a long overdue recognition, Kate Greenberg, Mozza’s Director of Operations, has officially won the 2020 Mozza Employee of the Year Award, considered one of the most prestigious honors in the United States restaurant industry.

Greenberg, affectionately known aka “KGB”, was sitting with chef/owner Nancy Silverton in Mozza2Go at the storied Los Angeles corner of Highland and Melrose when a Tribune delivery boy handed her the hot-off-the-press newspaper with a banner headline declaring her the winner of the distinguished award. Kate was speechless. Then she smiled sweetly and shyly and hugged the delivery boy.

“I’m so happy for Kate,” said Nancy as she sipped on a 1961 ginger-infused water, her new Chateau Latour. “2020 has clearly been the most difficult year, but Kate stepped up. I’m happy for Kate Greenberg.”

Joe Bastianich, Mozza-co-owner and Italian wine producer was also please by the news. He issued the following statement: “Wise beyond her years, mightier than she appears, Kate Greenberg has been a true leader in the most difficult of times. Our industry is lucky to have a young woman like Kate Greenberg to lead us into a future of immense opportunities. Congratulations, Kate.”

In San Francisco, renowned chef Dominique Crenn said “When you’re good, you’re good. But, when you’re extraordinary, you are a true bad ass. Congratulations Kate. You are a bad ass.”

Terry Malloy, who went to school briefly with Kate, told her, “I just mean to tell you you grew up very nice.”

But, not everyone was thrilled with the news. Especially other candidates.

When asked by Tribune reporter Jimmy Dolan if she had congratulated Kate on her victory, Jennifer Beech, Mozza’s party planner and one of the eight finalists, huffed passed the journalist and brusquely said “I don’t want to talk about it. And Jimmy, I don’t trust you. And that’s on the record and you can put that in your fucked-up newspaper.“

After Friday’s official declaration protestors briefly stormed the Mozza Tribune’s offices in the notorious Folsom Lot of Nickerson Gardens housing project in Watts off of Imperial Highway, but were repelled by Big Hank, Loaf, Kartoon, Honcho and even Cleamon “Big Evil” Johnson. Dolan was not at the office during the confrontation.

Later, Dolan, widely considered the Tribune’s ace reporter, faced a cold reception from Osteria Mozza cooks Herbert “Herbie” Yuen, Nico Rodriguez and Marisa Takenaka following news of the Greenberg win. “The only reason we are allowing you in the kitchen Jimmy is to tell you we are demanding a recount,” Herbie said.

When told of Yuen’s reaction, Greenberg, who grew up not far from the notorious San Quentin Prison, smiled and simply said “Oh, Herbie.” As a unification gesture Greenberg brought the kitchen a very large bottle of some blue bottle tequila. Knowing the kitchen staff, that bottle, big as it was, won’t be around long.

Aside from the responsibilities that come with the title, Greenberg will receive a wide variety of treasures including rare wines, a two-night stay at the Ojai Valley Inn, at least two burritos from Burritos La Palma, two chivis from Sonoratown, Aryton Senna on call to move her GTB 251 from alleys, an autographed copy of the book “Southside” and the only known printed out copy of “Knuckles”.

ER NURSES WHO CARED FOR MICHAEL SINGER AT BERKSHIRE MEDICAL CENTER REQUEST TRANSFER TO ALEPPO HOSPITAL

Late into the night at the Berkshire Medical Center in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, an emergency room nurse erased the last five letters of a patient’s name on the clipboard hanging from the entrance to his room. The erasure left only a single “S”. .The nurse then tip-toed back into the hallway, checked to see if anyone was coming, went back to the clipboard and added some letters. She added an “A” in front of the “S”, peeked back to check the hallway again and then, with a shaking hand, added three more letters after that those two.

When the daytime nurse Julia Milholland arrived for her shift, she was perplexed to see the new name on the clipboard.

“Hey, Layla,” she called out to the nurse-in-charge, “Did Mike discharge? Or did he get moved to a different ward?”

Layla Raqqa didn’t even bother to look up from her computer and simply said “No, Cranky is still there.”

“I read few years back Singer had his crankiness surgically removed,” Nurse Julia said.

“Don’t believe everything you read,” Layla replied. “Why do you ask?”

“Well,” said Julia, “The name on the clipboard outside his front door says “Assad”.

Gwen burst into laughter. “Hmmf.. Maybe Hafez, the old man. The kid, Bashar, wouldn’t be as ornery as Singer.”

That was last Saturday morning a few days after Michael Singer. the legendary investigative news producer had been admitted to a hospital for a seared kidney (without a ‘78 La Tache). To say he had not been the most pleasant of patients would be like saying 2020 has been a rough flu season.

At least nine personnel, including five nurses, demanded they be transferred to other hospitals. Four of them said they would prefer to be at Aleppo’s notorious Community Hospital rather than have to deal with Singer.

“Okay, Aleppo is the world’s most dangerous place, I get that,” said RN Mary Wilson, “But, least people there don’t call me an quote, unquote, ‘You butterhole idiot’ How does Ruth Reichl put up with him? I love Ruth, but it kinda makes me wonder about her. And their kid seems like he has no grumpy at all.”

Silas Moranavich, a prominent New England word examiner, said Singer broke several records during his time at Berkshire MC including saying the word “incompetent” 54 times, uttering’ “dumb ass” 46 times, and evoking Jesus Christ more than 100 times in a single evening, including 14 “Jesus Christ, you’re an idiot” and 13 “Jesus Christ, who the fuck told you to become a nurse?”

Singer was released from the hospital last week and is said to be doing much better and his grumpiness levels have dropped from the 97-100 range to below 30 Normal range is 0-15.