"The Theory of Dropitivity" Italy MMXV Shocker! Space Cadet Leon Gold Wins Guest Of The Year Award

If you had told me that 12-year-old Leon Gold would win the coveted 2015 GOYA (Guest of the Year Award) for our annual summer trip to Italy, I would have thought you had lost your mind. 

I have known that space cadet for something like seven, eight  years and - after giving up saying 'hello' and getting no response -  I haven't uttered a single word to him in a good five years.  

But, defying critics, the odds, logic. and even Galileo Galilei,  the 2015 GOYA goes to Leon Gold, son of Laurie Ochoa and Jonathan Gold.

Now, many of you who know me fairly well might be wondering the same thing. "Mike, are you drinking heavily again?"

Nah. And for the record, Nancy - and many others - voted for Leon, as well. Still, the reason for this report took so long to publish after we've been back from Italy - 15 days - is because some of the other contenders for this year's GOYA couldn't believe it and demanded a recount. The original count was verified and so it is official. Leon Gold wins this year's GOYA..

And part of the reason is this. Though it probably seemed a put-down in the headline and second paragraph - referring to Leon as a "space cadet" -  it turns out Leon Gold IS a space cadet. I mean someone has to be a cadet. which is, what, basically a trainee, right?. Someone has to train to be an astronaut to go into space or to be a physicist or a cosmologist and that's what Leon is. A space or physicist or cosmologist trainee. A space cadet.

Nancy and I met the Ochoa/Golds in Modena near Osteria Francescan where Nancy and I - along with Bobby Silverstein and Danielle Bernabe - had a lunch for the ages  and where Laurie Ochoa, Jonathan and Leon had dinner. As usual I didn't say a word to Leon when I saw him. ( Not that he woulda heard me as he was wearing earphones listening to a podcast about physics or some such thing )  The next day we all had a lunch in the Modena countryside and it was here Leon made his first two impressions.  One is that if you are like an Emily Post type -  ya know, all proper and full of etiquette - I don't recommend sitting across from him at a meal, This guy grabs his fork by the tines as he delves deep into a plate. And if there's a bowl of anything eatable nearby ,  you can lay pretty good odds Leon's fingers will be in that bowl. ("Just like you', Nancy would say to me.)

But, at that lunch, a paperback by American astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson at his side, he made a pronouncement that didn't really hit me until later. It was like his first scientific ruling. He pronounced the so-ca;;led "three second rule " a fallacy. "Even if your food lands on the ground for one billionth of a second, it is no good. It will pickup as many microorganisms in that one billionth of a second as it will in three seconds or in 60 seconds. The three second rule is false."

He made this profound statement as seriously as I imagine Nicolas Copernicus announced that it was the Earth that orbited the Sun, not the other way around. 

I thought about Leon's theory for, well, for about three seconds. and it made sense. 

A day later in Panicale, Umbria, where Nancy has a home, I was walking the Ochoa/Golds to the apartment they had rented from our friends Enid and Richard since they didn't know exactly where said apartment was located inside the walls of the old town. On the way there. a super car came whizzing and roaring by. and Leon yelled out "Watch out, Michael!"   Now I would have had to be about 3,000 pounds heavier for this beautiful car to be even close to hitting me, but i was kinda stunned the kid even knew my name.

At dinner that evening, Leon told Nancy that "We spend too much money on the military and not enough on the space program." Did he, Nancy asked, think there was life in outer space?  "I don't know, but we are not going to find out bombing people." 

Was this the same Leon? This fool was starting to rack up GOYA  points.

The next dinner, i was sitting next to Leon. - which is better than sitting across.- and he started talking about how he doesn't think it is good for humans to be in cell phone photos. It's good for cats, but not humans, he said.  He mentioned something about nobody in the entire Milky Way Galaxy should be in a photograph. So I went with a variation of line I occasionally go to. "Why? Do you think people in the Snickers Galaxy might find out about us?" 

Leon gave out a sort of impish grin and said. "No. But, they might in Butterfingers Galaxy." We both smiled.

At long last, someone has responded to my Snickers Galaxy line. Leon scores more GOYA points.   

A day or two later, I am bored with the adult conversation about the merits of pici and umbricelli and other various noodle configurations.and lardo and culatello di Zibello and  so I turned to Leon and told him a story.

By now,  If you watch the news at all, you know this story. Leon. apparently doesn't watch the news, and doesn't know the story, but was utterly fascinated by it. It is the recent news story of the Grizzly bear from Montana who became an astronaut and on a mission to outer space, his fellow astronaut, a human from Tennessee, died somewhat mysteriously  and the grizzly bear astronaut ended up being charged with his murder. 

I am telling you, Leon was riveted by this story. It turns out the two astronauts -  bear and human - snuck along a 12 pack of beer - which Laurie accurately chimed in was Hamms -  and the human astronaut had been hogging them, He had guzzled eight of the first 11 beers and was reaching for the 12th when a struggle ensued. In that tussle for the last beer, the grizzly bear astronaut allegedly shoved the human astronaut out of the space capsule door and into outer space where he was never heard from. When the space ship managed to land back at Cape Canaveral, the grizzly bear was arrested and charged with murder. 

This Leon kid was in pure fascination.  He asked many questions, but, at that point, that is all I knew of the story.  

Two days later, at dinner, I get "a call" on my cell. I whisper into it. Leon is listening in with much interest. "What happened?". A verdict is coming down in the grizzly bear astronaut murder case, I tell him. We should know by the time the dolci arrives.  

Forty five minutes later, as the torta della nonna is dropped, I get "the call".. 

"Not guilty. The grizzly bear was found not guilty on all counts."

Leon was thrilled by this verdict. He wants to know what happened in the trial.

"I don't have all the details but apparently there was a camera on board and it showed the human astronaut drunk and stumbling. and he trips and falls against the space ship door and he goes tumbling out. The grizzly bear tried desperately to save him, but he couldn't. They also were able to prove the grizzly bear astronaut only had three beers as only three cans were crushed like only a grizzly bear can crush a beer can. Claw marks and all." 

"Will the  grizzly bear get to go back and be an astronaut again?"

"I don't know," I told Leon. "It's kinda soon for all that. i think he just want to go back to Montana and relax. Take a nap for a couple of months. 

t was fun telling that story. And it was fun having someone enjoy it. For that, for debunking the "Three second rule" and for a somewhat feeble attempt to save my life from a speeding Lamborghini Miura,  Leon Gold with this year's GOYA

In late July, as Nancy and I were on our morning five kilometer walk. the Ochao/Gold car drives by and stops to say goodbye. Laurie is driving. I guess Jonathan can't drive and plot his dining course at the same time. Leon is in the backseat with his earphones on. Nancy says something to him, thinking maybe he will say good bye or thank us for the good time or something, anything. But, nothing . He just keeps those earphones on. Leon Gold is out there somewhere in space. 

But, the next time you drop some food, don't bother picking it up and eating it. Just step on it. Accoridng to Leon Gold's theory of dropitivity, it's already ruined. 

"We are all in the gutter ( or on the floor) but some of us are looking at the stars" - Oscar Wilde

As GOYA, Leon Gold also wins a free pizza at Mozza

RECENT PREVIOUS GOYA WINNERS

2014 - (TIE) Hourie Sahakian and Tiffany Fox

2013 - Liz "Go Go" Hong

2012 - Cast of "The Wire"

2011 - .The Berrettos (aka Oliver and his buddies) 

2010 - (TIE) Duke and Patsi

Sharon and Billy Harris File For Divorce After Sting Debacle

In the Lake Hollywood kitchen of Sharon and Billy Harris hangs a large print of "The Police", with the long-defunct band's leader Sting prominently displayed. 

The Harris family won't be looking at that print the same way anymore.   

Today, in a downtown Los Angeles courtroom, Sharon Harris filed for divorce from husband William B. Harris for what her attorney said was an "Unconscionable Act of Miscommunication" based on an incident that occurred on August, 5, 2015 in the whereabouts of Tuscany, Italy,

"Billy Harris, by his very miscalculations, to wit, laziness and lack of punctuality, missed a platinum opportunity to give his wife a day to remember and for that there is no second chance," said Sharon Harris' attorney Marvin Mitchelson, III.  "A question here, a bit of aggressiveness, or pushiness by Mr. Harris there and most importantly a heavier foot on the gas pedal and this could have all been avoided."   

What Mitchelson - grandson of the attorney who famously argued the landmark 1979 Lee Marvin/Michelle Triola Marvin. palimony case -was referring to was the early evening of August 5 when celebrity host and renowned magician Billy Harris missed an extraordinary opportunity to see Sting  - and his wife Trudy - host a elite party at their vineyard in Chianti, Tuscany.  

Sharon was in such a state shock over the foul-up that two days later she filed for divorce in a Perugia courthouse just 30 kilometers from the charming hilltop Umbrian village the up-to-that-moment happily married couple were vacationing. The case has since been transferred to Los Angeles Municipals Court. Division 4, courtroom 9 where the case was heard today..

###

BACKGROUND

(Note: Much of the following was from preliminary hearing transcripts leaked to this reporter earlier today)

Although much of the information had been previously sealed, what was known is this. While on vacation in the town of Panciale, the Harris would spend time with two other vacationing Americans, journalist Michael Krikorian and chef Nancy Silverton. 

On August 4th, Silverton and Krikorian had been invited by the Italian food writer Faith Willinger and the famous butcher Dario Cecchini to attended a party to celebrate the new vintages of wines at Sting and Trudy's il Palagio estate in Chianti. Silverton had made a vague mention of the party and suggested they all meet at a designated spot in Florence at 4:10 p.m to head to the butcher shop in Panzano and then "maybe go to a party". She made no mention, nor did Krikorian that Sting would be at this party. Though unconfirmed, sources say they both knew Sting would be there. 

Later, Krikorian told the Harris he waited at  the assigned spot in Florence until 4:11 p.m. before leaving.  Immediately after, Silverton broke the news that not only was Sting at his winery, he sang two songs. "I'll Be Watching You" and "Time in a Bottle" 

The Harris' were dumbfounded.,  

"Really?", said Sharon. "Really?", said Billy. "Really?", said Sharon "Really?", said Billy. "Really?", said Sharon. "Really?", said Billy. (It should be noted that this is the relatively new usage of "really" that means "You got to be fuckin' kidding me." ) Simply by chance, an experimental Lamborghini drone flying overhead recorded the Harris' telling Silverton and Krikorian "really?" 61 times. Really.

"We were supposed to meet at 4:10 and you left at 4:11?," Billy asked in disbelief. 

"Yeah, Billy. I waited a minute" Krikorian said. "What'd you want me to do? Wait all night? Precision, man. Good thing you weren't in charge of D-Day. We'd be eating wiener schnitzel instead of pappardelle tonight."

At that point, Sharon got up and looked at Billy and said "Late again, aren't you, Billy?  Late again.".

"Look Sharon.."

"Don't talk to me, Billy.  Don't waste time talking to me. You might be late for something else."

.###

In today's court session, Harris looked at his cell phone several times, even texted twice. Finally, the Judge admonished Harris for the phone. 

"Mr Harris, I will warn you only once.  If you look at that phone, if you text, if it beeps, the bailiff will remove it and place it under lock and key until these proceedings are finished. Is that understood?"

"Yes, your highness.  Oops, I mean your Judgeness," said a flustered Harris.

"It's 'Your honor'," the judge said. 

"Well, no, not really, judge. I certainly don't consider it to be my honor."

Flabbergasted, the Judge ordered the proceedings to continue. 

For two hours, the lawyers argued motions. Billy shot looks at Sharon who was steadfast in her refusal to look his way.

The judge called a recess. Back in court, the judge was speaking on a Mitchelson motion when Billy Harris 'phone beeped. Further defying the judge's order, he looked at it. 

"Mr. Harris, I warned you," the judge said sternly. "Baliff, remove this goddamn cellphone from Mr. Harris' possession."

But, as the deputy approached, Harris stood up, his body shielding the phone from the approaching officer of the court..

Billy Harris was beaming. 

He turned to Sharon and says "Honey, it's a text from Nancy. She says her and Michael already got their invite to Sting's party for this winter's releases. And Nancy says they can bring two guests and they want to bring us. And get this, baby. Nancy says Sting is hoping at this winter's party one of the guest will be a magician?"

Sharon stood up and walked to her husband.. 

"Billy, I love you." Then they kissed

The judge, besides himself. pounded the gavel.. 

":Get these to love birds out of my courtroom. Case dismissed." 

Italy 2015 Sandwich Wars - Nancy Silverton's Open Face Board Challenges Florence's Top-Rated Panini

Of all the events held at this year's Italy 2015, none was more anticipated than the showdown between the top-rated sandwich shoppe in Florence and Nancy Silverton's prototype panini board. 

Firenze's finest, All'Antico Vinalo, had amassed stats like Barry Bonds on jungle juice. An unheard of 6,433 five-star reviews on Trip Advisor. (Yeah, I know. Trip Advisor and all that, but sometimes it hits the mark.)  So Nancy and I , more encouraged by our friend Phil "I'll Have What Phil's Having" Rosenthal, went there.  And we were not disappointed. Damn, they were some outstanding sandwiches. Sorry, I mean some molto buono panini. 

"Make us your two favorites," Nancy told the colorful counterman as she helped herself to a serve yourself cup of Chianti,  A few minutes late a porchetta panino the size of one of those emergency tires in your trunk was dropped on our narrow counter. The thing almost tipped over. Then a soppressata number that had won some "Street Food" award, or so bragged the counterman. We ate. We relished.  Nancy studied. I wolfed. 

To top this would be a challenge. But, that's the essence of Nancy Silverton as a chef. That is how she gets her inspiration. By truly enjoying and admiring a dish and then, somehow, making it better.  

Automotively speaking, she's the Carroll Shelby of the kitchen. Like the late Texas legend, Silverton takes a regular Ford Mustang and soups it up into a fire-spitting Mustang Shelby GT 500.

So two, maybe three days after the Firenze lunch, back on home turf, Nancy laid out a lunchtime buffet of open face panini for three esteemed Italian tastemakers: Eiizabeth Minchili, who writes 'about the good stuff in Italy"; Rolando Beramendl, founder of Manicaretti,  the outstanding Italian food importer, and superb Umbrian chef Salvatore Denaro.

Earlier that morning, Nancy went to work in the kitchen. When I got up, she had prepared the fixings of what would go on the sandwiches.   Then we took our normal five-kilometer walk, but this time we stopped to pick -without clippers - wild flowers. Seven cuts later, we had amassed enough agriculture to fill a Fiat's trunk. At home though, the pile yielded two small vases. But, seriously, those were some pretty vases. 

By the time Elizabeth, Rolando and Salvatore arrived, the old wood front room table that greets guests looked like Panini Paradiso. 

The lineup:

1.  Marinated radicchio, bagna cauda, hard-cooked egg and anchovy

2. Ricotta with mint, sauteed eggplant, fresh marjoram

3. Prosciutto cotto, tomato, melted young pecorino, grated Parmigiano, fresh thyme

4. Finicchiona, peppers marinated in balsamic, basil, capers, anchovy

All were as you would expect a Nancy Silverton panini to be;. Straight out delicious.

Elizabeth called it 'The day I learned how to throw a panino party.'

Rolando has this to say. "In 19xx, Nancy came to Florence and we ate crostini galore at Enoteca Fuori. I felt we had made a full circle when we had that sandwich meal at her house in Panicale which reminded me so much of that moment yet it was 20 years into the future. Nancy is full of inspiration and as always takes all our memories and things we have learned over the year to the next level.That is why I have such an enormous admiration for her."

Those sandwiches in Florence were excellent. Anyone going there, we would encourage them to go. Here's those raves from Trip Advisor -  http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g187895-d1102253-r142089446-All_Antico_Vinaio-Florence_Tuscany.html

But, this stuff Nancy made was in a different classification.

You know me well, you know I love the landmark Steve McQueen car chase in Bullitt. The bad guys have a 1968 Charger 440 Magnum and Det Frank Bullitt has a '68 Mustang 390 GT fastback and they race and chase and soar through the streets of San Francisco then out of the city until the Charger crashes in flames in Brisbane, San Mateo County.

What does all that have to do with the sandwich/panino wars? Not much. But, I guess what I'm getting at is if McQueen had been in one of those Silverton Shelby Mustangs. the chase woulda ended way before they got out of San Francisco. 

A standard model car - or sandwich - can be superb, But, once the likes of a Carroll Shelby or Nancy Silverton get a hold of it, Watch out. That baby is gonna soar.

Pizzeria Mozza General Manager Arielle Chernin Forced To Leave Los Angeles

Arielle Chernin, the adorable, charming, hard-working general manager of Pizzeria Mozza - who apparently led a double life - must leave Los Angeles to avoid facing felony charges stemming from a August 1st bar room biker brawl in Echo Park that left six people injured, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County District Office said Wednesday evening. 

Chernin, who had publicly announced this week she was leaving Los Angeles and her job at the revered pizzeria to "take a management position" at a San Francisco restaurant, was given an ultimatum by District Attorney Jackie Lacey:: "Get out of town or face charges" -  for assault, malicious biting, destruction of city property, inciting a riot, and, the most serious of the offenses, HRV 21 of the California criminal code, which is the hoarding of raw vegetables during a drought.

"Normally", Lacey said. "Chernin would have been arrested, placed in county jail, given the opportunity to bail out and gone on to trial, but due to severe budget restraints and overcrowding in the jails, she was given the options of "getting out of Dodge". Based on what I know of Chernin, I think it's best for the city if she just gets the hell out." 

Nancy Silverton, Chernin's boss for several years, expressed a range of emotions when she was told of Chernin's lawless behavior. 

"I couldn't believe it at first," said Silverton when reached by email in Italy. "I mean, here is a woman who was the epitome of team Mozza spirit. She was fun. She was a leader. She had this great energy. She started the Employee of the Month award program. She was the first one blowing up balloons at parties. Then to learn she is a drunken bar fighting biter, well, I guess you never really know someone. She sure had me fooled."

Privately, Silverton expressed relief Chernin was leaving. "Mozza got hit with a $15,000 fine for using excessive water after midnight during a drought. You know who was using the water and why?  That crazy Arielle, after one of her crazy midnight runs, was using the hose in the manager's parking lot to wash her hair.  Don't print that. No one would believe it. But, think about it. Who the hell runs around Los Angeles in a skimpy outfit at midnight."

As news vans parked outside the Chernin family complex near Boston hoping to get a quote, Arielle's father Phil, drove up, ignored reporters and headed to the front door. Half-way up the porch, however, he tripped on a empty Svedka vodka bottle, remnants of a party his daughter hosted many years ago.

"Look," Phil Chernin said as he turned to address the media, "Why don't you parasites leave my family alone? We are going through a trying time."

While most of the reporters respected his wish, one did not. It was Morty Goldstein, Jr., the tenacious award-winning journalist from Los Angeles  who yelled out "Were you shocked when you heard that Arielle didn't really have a job offer in San Francisco, but was being ordered to get out of Los Angeles?"

Phil Chernin stepped toward the front door, but then shocking the hoards of media. stopped and told this story. 

"No, I wasn't shocked. I was saddened, yes, but, not shocked. I some ways I was, and you might not believe this. but i was strangely relieved.   Me and my wife, Alciia have known since Arielle was a toddler that she was a troublemaker. And we both felt it was simply a matter of time before  everyone else found out, too."

"Can you give us an example?", Godlsteien yelled out.

At this point, Phil was joined on the porch by his wife. Alicia.  Alicia spoke up

"Sadly, I can,", said Alicia. "When Arielle was in pre-school at Brookline Schools Staff Children's Center. she got into a fight with a girl named Paige ( not to be confused with Front Paige Handler ). Our little Arielle is kicking some royal ass, But, that's not enough for Arielle. A simple beat down wouldn't do. . Arielle moves in and bites Paige. Went Mike Tyson on her.  Took a piece of Pagie's ear out.  They said you could heard that girl scream all the way to New Hampshire."

"Afterward,", Phil interjected, "The girl's mother storms over hear and say "You people have raised a monster. You people have raised Arielle the Biter."

And that is how the kindly, sweet appearing Arielle Chernin became to be known as "The Biter".

Phil and Alicia. hugged briefly,  Not knowing there was a remote microphone on the porch, Alciia was heard asking Phil, "Do you think we should tell them about the time she sneaked all that vodka into the High School prom?" Phil shook his head and then addressed the media again.  "Please give us some time alone." They walked inside.

But, just then. Arielle's brother came home, and he was either a very bad walker and stumbling drunk as he zig zagged up the driveway. 

Morty Goldstien yelled out again. 

"Yo, little bro. Do you think your sister is guilty.?

"I love my sister. But, she is more guilty than O.J.  She can be ruthless." 

Keith reached into his pocket and took a pull out of a "airplane" bottle of Svedka vodka and told a disturbing story about Arielle and that very ruthlessness.

"My sister and I used to spend a lot of time at our Popo (that's grandma in Chinese) 's house. She lived on the 9th floor of this tall building so we had to take the elevator up to her apartment. We were going up the elevator one day and Arielle (maybe 12 at the time) says 'Keith, (I was around 8 at the time), I bet I can kick my leg over your head'. She was confident she could do it cause she was pretty good at gymnastics. I didn't really have time to respond before she swung her leg up in the air and kicked me smack in the face.. As my eyes were starting to tear from the shock/pain she looked at me, shrugged, and walked out of the elevator as we arrived on the 9th floor. She kicked me in the face and ;never apologized."  

Court records show that Arielle first job was a bar maid at Matt Murphy's Irish Pub, that was owned by her best friend Cierra's mom. Old school drinkers still fondly recall the site of 13-year-old Arielle working the room, two mugs of beer in one hand, a shot of Jameson in the other.

Chernin's love - and sheer athletic talent - provided an outlet for the young outlaw. Sadly, even sports couldn't outrun the evil streak Arielle possessed. 

In her second Boston Marathon, around Mile 22, she had planned to "high five" Phil, Alicia, Keith and others It was her photo moment. But, just before she arrived at the pre-planned spot for the photo, another runner ran in the way. 

"I watched in horror as my very daughter wickedly pushed that poor, old  man out of the way so she could have her photo slash high five moment," said Alicia.  (For the record, that man was Frank Shorter, who won the 1972 Gold Medal in the marathon at the Mexico City Olympics.  Shorter, now 67, has never fully recovered from that shove, which has become known as the "Arielle Push".) 

Back in Los Angeles, reaction to the news the mild-mannered one was actually a hell cat was meet with a variety of reactions. 

"I hope she gets the help she needs," said Aex Munoz, director of Operations of Mozza. "As for Mozza, It's a tremendous loss. She's the best GM I've ever had" 

Still, Munoz, who once faced criminal charges himself for - in a desperate attempt to increase Osteria sales. - putting not only waterboarding on the secret menu. but Barolo-boarding as well, felt it would be the best thing for the restaurant if Chernin left. "The restaurant simply couldn¹t support her raw carrot addiction and , like i said, i really hope she gets the help she needs"

Former Mozza GM David Rosoff concurred about the vegetables. "That little Tupperware container of raw vegetables had to be soaked in hooch."

Kate Green, Silverton's assistant, said that she really wasn't stunned to learn of Arielle's other life. "Nobody's is that perfect. I will say she is quite ambitious. I wouldn't even be surprised to find out she will be running for the Republican nod for president.  She's  half Jewish. Half Chinese, right?  I mean half of her wants to build a wall around the Gaza Strip and the other half wants to build Cantonese take out joints next to the wall."

Kirstie Brittany Lee, a Pizzeria Mozza manager who worked under Chernin, said she was not "totally stunned" by the news that Chernin was trouble.

"Your talking about a cute 20-something woman who would go running at midnight. Midnight in Los Fuckin Angeles? Please. The only people running at midnight in Los Angeles are people who either want to get hurt or want to hurt someone. Maybe that's when she would go out an bite people. They should call her the MIdnight Biter. Hey, I want to play her in the movie." 

Mozza GM Will Simons said he "never bought those sweaty midnight runs, either."

"Bull shit if that was some Marathon training shit," Simons said. "It might be some type of so-called "training", but I bet it was, was.., Ya know what?  I don't even want to say." 

Still, despite suspicions, on the job at Mozza, Chernin was on top of things. She set a record of picking up 61 napkins in a single season ( 2013) and was the staff biggest cheerleader. (In comparison, Sam Schramberg once picked up a single napkin in 2010, but dropped it when a leggy blonde walked in.)  

"Arielle was tireless," said "Front" Paige Handler, ( Not the Paige who was bit,)   "The only times she slacked off working when was when there was a cute guy at one of the bars eating. "

"Yeah," Adam Boardman concurred. "She had this unique way of seeing if the guy was interested in her.  She called it her "Man Test". Arielle would come to me and say "Watch that guy I've been talking to. I'm gonna drop a napkin and then bend over to pick it up. Let me know if he looks at my ass. If he doesn't, well charge him for all the drinks.."

So Arielle Chernin will be leaving Los Angeles and leaving Mozza soon. And while law enforcement officials are relieved she is moving out, at least one Mozza regular is sad. 

Michael Krikorian, the restaurant's unofficial chief of security,  said he would deeply miss Arielle. 

"I knew if there was ever any trouble going down at Mozza,  Arielle would be right there in the thick of things and have my back," Krikorian said.  "But, the other thing i feel kinda bad about?   All those years  I knew her, she never once bit me."

"You want some, motherfucker?"

Nancy Silverton to Massimo Bottura, Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?

UPDATE - June 14, 2016 - Editor's Note - Further proving American chef Nancy Silverton's point, last night Bottura's Osteria Francescana was named #1 on the World's 50 Best Restaurants list.

Three courses into a lunch this week at the renowned Osteria Francescana in Modena, Nancy Silverton put down her spoon after contemplatively savoring its hyper green contents, took a long sip of leggy red wine, slowly shook her head, scowled and said "Just who the hell does Massimo Bottura think he is..."

"You don't like this food, Nancy?" interrupted Danielle Bernabe, a fellow diner who clearly didn't know Siverton well.  Nancy ignored the question and continued with her thought. 

"That he can just go ahead and make food that is so much better than everybody else's.  Clearly, he has left the brotherhood of chefs. He's not a team player. I hope aspiring chefs don't taste this food. They'll give up the profession. Who the fuck does Bottura think he is?" .

That particular comment - profanity included - was broadcast on news stations throughout Western Europe and initially drew outrage toward Silverton on both traditional news outlets and social media. In addition, many food critics who have adorned Osteria Francescana with every possible restaurant accolade, criticized Silverton for being not only jealous of Bottura's talents, but crass. "Nancy Silverton is simply an American PBC", said Sir Charles Dillingsworth, food critic for the London Herald who used the acronym which means Pretty, But Crass.

But, Silverton's fellow chef cadre quickly came to her defense and stunned the restaurant world when they agreed with her assessment of Massimo Bottura.

"I'm with Nancy. Fuck that guy," said Mario Batali, the famous American chef based in New York City and partners with Silverton in the Mozza kingdom based in Los Angeles, Stalingrad, Newport Beach and Singapore. "Just because Massimo's aunt invented tortellini and his grandma invented milk and his great, great grandfather domesticated the pig, does not mean that Massimo does not have to work like the rest of us."

In San Francisco. Dominque Crenn, the impassioned chef of Atelier Crenn who shares some of Bottura's wild -if not downright hallucinogenic - imagination, weighed in..  

"Look, I don't even know Massimo, but I think he is a genius," said Crenn, whose two Michelin star restaurant in San Francisco is considered one of America's best.  "I know Lara [Gilmore, Bottura's American wife] and I am inspired by their story.  But, as for him, well, umm, well, I better not say anymore. I am French and I don't want to make Franco-Italian relations any worse than they already are."

Crenn walked away from the interview, stopped, turned around and said "But, I think Nancy is right. Nancy is always fuckin' right."

In Los Angeles, Roy Choi, L.A.'s "Takin it to the Streets" chef, said he considered Bottura a "brother", though he had not been to his restaurant. 

"I love him a a human though I've never had his food in Modena.  I can't get a reservation. Who the hell do you need to know to get a damn table at Osteria Francescana?".

Max Paul Runstedtler, professor of food history at the American University in Washington, D.C., said that Bottura was at the "classic crossroads" of his career. 

"Massimo Bottura is at that well-known intersection where he is in front of the pack. and he can choose to wait and have everyone catch up .- the few that can, at least - or he can continue on his Monza-speed path and go on increasing his lead," said Runstedtier, who was an associate producer of the documentary "Chefs Gone Wild",  "Right now, it looks like Bottura is not stopping. I had the "Sensatons" menu for lunch at OF the other day and it was well-named."

It is that very "increasing the lead" impression that is troubling for many. And those accolades are becoming problematic, as well.

Most troubling of the honors bestowed on Bottura and Osteria Francescana has been the never-before-garnered rating of 19.75 in Le Guide de L'Espresso's I Ristoranti D'Italia. The reason for the backlash of that rating is that 19.75 is - clearly - a figure greater than 19.72, a number that is dear to millions of Italians. In a February, 24, 2012 interview, just a week before he died, colorful Italian sports reporter Germano Mosconi explained the importance of 19.72.

"19.72 is the beloved number of seconds that Barletta, Italy-born sprinter Pietra Mennea took to famously win the gold medal in the 200 meters at the 1980 Moscow Olympics,"  said Mosconi, the late Telenuovo sports reporter based in Verona.  Mosconi was quiet for a few seconds, than released a torrent of expletives in ascending volume before straight out screaming "Pietra Mennea set a world record with that 19.72 and it held for over 16 years, goddamnit. For Bottura, or anyone, to mess with 19.72 is cazzo scopata!"

So will Massimo Bottura slow it down and have the other great chefs of the world catch up? If his Four-door Maserati Quattroporte is any indication, then the answer is resounding, unmuffled "No".  The Maserati sedan is normally equipped with a V-6, 410 horsepower engine. Bottura's Maser? 490 horsepower. Massimo Bottura is not slowing down at all. Floor that baby. 

(To see sports caster Germano Mosconi in action check this  -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRG2LlBfCn8

Dropping Lonnie's Name in Piedmont

On our third and last night in the Piedmont region of Italy, we went to the town of Isola d'Asti to dine at chef Walter Ferratto's acclaimed restaurant Il Cascinalenuovo. Our L. A. friend Lonnie Bishop - a friend of the chef's - had made us a 7:30 reservation.  

The problem was it was not in the town of Isola d'Asti as my guidebook indicated,  but on a obscure stretch of two-lane highway about four kilometers away. This resulted in several errors on my part being exposed. I hadn't brought that guidebook so I didn't have the phone number or the exact address.  I hadn't put the info in my phone. I couldn't correctly pronounce the name of the restaurant. When I stopped to ask humans ( my personal GPS), I butchered it and the first four people asked didn't know what i was talking about. 

By now, it was 8:15 as we drove around the town in search of a human being who looked like they would know where a fine dining place was located.  Arguments flared, The driver was called an idiot.  The lady in the passenger seat was called he world's worst co-pilot. The driver was called a moron.

Finally, at a bar ( of course) I stumbled upon a party where three giddy people excitedly pointed the way. Something about a series of left turns back toward Alba, tre kilometers, and the ristorante being right next door to a nightclub called Mediterranean.

"Okay, it's 8:35 o'clock. Let's just hope they don't have a reservation policy like Mozza," Nancy said. For the Mozza unaware, the reserved tables there are held for 15  minutes then released to the waiting.

After hitting 185 kph ( over 114 mph) on the lonely two-laner, we spotted the "Club Mediterraneano". I pulled into the next driveway. Il Cascinalenuovo. 8:42. Seventy two minutes late.

The place was packed. The lady at the host stand slowly shook her head. Bad.  In beat up English, she told us they only hold the tables for one hour. I thought of Lance and Eve and Maria and Uzma and all the excuses they hear: "The traffic was bad"; "We just came in from the airport"; "My sister is pregnant and very hungry" and other weak-ass excuses. So I said nothing.  

But, I did turn to Nancy and said a bit-on-the-loud side, "Lonnie is going to be disappointed."

Behind the host stand, a middle-aged man who would turned out to be the sommelier and the brother of chef Walter, stopped in his tracks like he had seen a Siberian tiger. "Lonnie, you say? Are you friend of Lonnie?" 

Hell yeah,

In even seconds Walter appeared, hugged Nancy and lead us to a table.. We talked a bit about Lonnie and then he said the good words - " I would like to cook you a meal"

Hell, yeah.. 

Walter Ferratto lit it up. 

WAlter Ferratto and Guest

Start

Pork with onions 

To get a reservation at Il Cascinalenuovo, go to Pizzeria Mozza on just about any Sunday. at around 12:45 p.m. and look at the end of the wine bar. At Seat 12, closest to the bathrooms, there will likely be a handsome white man about 47 or so with a cap on and crossword puzzle next to his glass of wine. Tell him "Blue Note" or "Wrecking Crew" or  "Place it on Lucky Dan".  He'll understand and then tell him when you want to go to Il Cascinalenuovo and he'll make it happen.  

ITALY MMXV, PART I, Three Days in Piedmont, Dining Highlights and The War in Heaven

I can't think of a clever way to start writing about the dining highlights of Italy 2015 which began in Piedmont, other than to just list the top dishes. Here they are. 

Porcini and Peaches. at Ristorante da Cesare  in Albaretto. -  This dish is also known as "Il muschio terra Il terra dolce" ( the musky earth.the sweet earth)  The best way to say how good this was is to tell you to look at that photo below and know that it tasted that good. One of those lookers who backs it up.  Are mushrooms and stone fruit a classic paring. I don't know. Should they be? Uh, yeah. 

The restaurant of Cesare Giaccone is one of the most pleasurable restaurants I have been to.  There is something so refreshing about this place.and Cesare.  Part of it stems from a story his friend  - and ours. - Gino Angelini told us. It goes something like "Cesare only opens when he needs some money."    The thing is.da Cesare is probably the least money-hungry restaurant I know. There's eight seats. He won't open for two people. Nancy suggested he put up a sign out front that reads "gone fishing".   For a reservation here. get a hold of Gino.

Much of the art work that hangs here is by Giaacone. Check out this mushroom painting by him.

I'm raving about this guy so much, you might as well get a look. That's goat on the shish. 

Here's the site.   http://www.cesaregiaccone.it/

Millefoglie di Lingua di vitello e foie gras con gelatina al porto at  il Cascinalenuovo - near Isolo d' Asti 

This is one of several dishes we had at Walter Feratto's outstanding restaurant.  This is veal tongue and foie gras layered into a triangle.  Rich.  For more on our night here, a report is coming.

For a reservation here, get a hold of Lonnie.

Here's the site. http://www.walterferretto.com/

Semplici ravioli quadrati di faraona  at All'Enoteca in - Canale.

Simple ravioli stuffed with guinea hen.  Now, unlike that photo of Cesare's porcini and peaches, this photo looks like just about any ravioli in the world. Nothing special. Didn't your local cafeteria make some ravs that looked like this? But, they didn't taste like this. The depth of flavor was rated at 467-foot pounds of torque and the zero to 100 kph (62mph) was times at 3.6. both marks are tops for a ravioli, so far in the 2015 season.  And just to emphasize this, I'll let you in on something; Though this was the first dinner of Italy XXMV, there was a movement to declare this dish as pasta of the trip. It was that right.

We had a pigeon in black truffle crust that was good. And a trolley was wheeled by at the end of the meal with about 8 different dried fruits. I cannot confirm this. but two people said it was rated best dried fruit trolley in Piedmont. 

Here's the site. http://www.davidepalluda.it/

Crisp pork with sweet onion sauce  at Il Cascinalenuovo  near Isolo d'Asti

The skin is crisp. the meat part is tender. Those onion get ups on the side?  As McNulty says in his fake accent at the whore house, "Spot on." The overall effect of this dish is very good.  Now, if you ever wanted a really impressive food review, that was it right there.  You know what?  Try this instead. If you ever out this way in Piedmont, just order this and thank me. 

Tajarin “40 tuorli” al burro e salvia  at Osteria del Boccondivino in Bra

The town of Bra, 15, 20 clicks outside of Alba, is where the Slow Food movement started. It's meant to be anti-fast food. Other than Ferraris and Lamborghinis and some Maseratis,  I didn't know there was anything fast in Italy. Food, cashiers, justice, the army. Even the air force here seems kinda slow.

But, the restaurant we heard about was this Osteria Boccondivino. And there I  had this tajarin, a pasta here made with 40 egg yolks,  and mixed butter and sage. Superb.  

Here's the site. http://www.boccondivinoslow.it/boccodivino/ita/osteria.asp

Bra has a beautiful church called Saint Andrea. Nancy says it might be her favorite church in the world. If you are in Bra, check it out. 

in the city of Nieve we went to another church  In this one, there is a statue of my namesake, the archangel Michael. It was here that I famously described "The War in Heaven" to Nancy.  A recap. Archangel Michael fights the devil in heaven. Mike wins and the devil gets banished to hell. 

So I tell Nancy this an she  says  "So that's how hell got started. Thanks to you."  

Me and my angel 

.

Donald Trump Soiled Pants After Getting Threat From Chapo, Dry Cleaners says "Trousers Totally Ruined"

Republican presidential candidate and television personality Donald Trump was talking tough when Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman-Loera escaped Mexico 's highest security prison Saturday, but he changed his tune dramatically - and most foul - when the drug lord threatened him on Twitter

According to sources in the businessman's  camp, Trump turned a shade of "very light pink" and then began making "a series of high-pitch toots" from his buttocks area and then a "painfully loud :gasp emerged followed by a stench of usually bad proportions". The account was confirmed by two others in the room at the time, one who was briefly hospitalized for fart inhalation. 

Trump, another sources said, then whimpered "I think just ruined these Paul Smith pants" and ran "awkwardly" from the room.

After Trump had threatened Guzman, the man from Sinaloa  tweeted  "Sigue chingando y voy hacer que te tragues todas tus putas palabras pinche guero cagaleche" which translates roughly into  "And I still fucking make you swallow all your fucking fucking punk ass  words"

A dry cleaner speaking on the condition of anonymity, said the trousers "rear end looked like they had been through a Dresden fire bombing." 

Guzman, known as "El Chapo" is perhaps best known for being the world's best drug lord, a titled he has had for over a decade.   Most drug trafficking reporters usually rate him second only to Colombian  Pablo Escobar as the greatest drug dealer of all time.

A Huffington Post piece recounts the Tweets.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/13/donald-trump-el-chapo_n_7788128.html

Joyce Mitchell Seen At Taco Truck Near Prison Where Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Escaped

Joyce Mitchell, previously best known for her role in the escape of two New York state prison inmates, was spotted late Saturday afternoon at the Luis Ramirez Taco Truck in La Manera which happens to be located two miles northwest of the Mexican prison where Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman escaped Saturday night.

Mexican authorities initially dismissed speculation that Mitchell, 51, had anything to do with the infamous drugs lord's escape, but admitted Sunday to being stupefied when they learned the former prison employee had ordered chicken enchiladas at the truck. The Luis Ramirez. truck is known solely for its tacos, consistently listed among the top 25 in North America.

"That Joyce was at the truck near the prison where Chapo escaped would not normally be of an issue to us," said an Mexican federal law enforcement officer speaking on the condition of anonymity and fifty dollars. "However, that she ordered the enchiladas at Luis'  truck, well, that raises some concerns. I've had the enchiladas there."

Five members of Guzman's Sinaloa Cartel, dining at El Pollo Hermanos in Culiacan,  denied any knowledge of Chapo's whereabouts and claimed to have never heard of Mitchell.