"Delusional" Doug Zamensky Admitted to Mental Hospital

Doug Paul Zamensky, best known as the first human being ever to be robbed by three different species, was admitted Monday  to the Tustin Mental Institute suffering from an assortment of ailments, including CDS, or Complex Delusional Syndrome.

Zamensky was rushed to the institute's Acute Whack Ward after he was seen wondering aimlessly in traffic on Pacific Coast Highway in Newport Beach carrying two portraits of himself - one as an owl - and yelling at passing motorists  "Rembrandt wants to draw me!" and "Oil the Dougsta, Picasso!"

Responding to numerous 911 calls about a "crazy white freak", Orange County sheriff deputies placed the Idaho native on a "5150 Hold", which allows for clinical observation of "seriously numbed individuals" for up to 72 hours. 

Locals were stunned.

"It was sad and shocking to see Doug like that, especially since he seemed so cool when we met him in Vegas," said Debbie Hauser, who works at the McLaren dealership on PCH down the street from Pizzeria Mozza where Zamensky worked as the general manager. "Doug told us "McLaren Girls" he was the chief test pilot for the McLaren P 1 at the Nurburgring [race track in Germany].  One of our girls thought he was a race car driver and asked to see his, his, umm, his paddle shifter.  She had no idea he was a waiter at a pizza joint or whatever he does at Mozza.  It's plain wrong."

Seekling to downplay the Vegas incident, .Alex Munoz-Suarez, the director of operations for Mozza, spoke to the media Monday evening to, in his words "clarify a simple misunderstanding". 

"We were in Vegas, and Doug, he had had a few, and we were with a group of the McLaren Girls and, for some reason, he slurred out that he had a "New burning" in one of his private areas. They mistakenly thought he said "the Nurburgring is testy". 

Seeking to placate the team at the McLaren dealership, Mozza chef Emily Corlis sent over a tray of the pizzeria's popular meatballs. However, that didn't go over too well. "Given  the circumstance, I don't think that was the wisest choice," said car sales manager, Monica Skorsky.

Upon hearing news of his detention, Zamensky's parents in Boise, Idaho were actually relieved. 

"Ever since Douglas went to Los Angeles and started getting robbed and then moved to Newport Beach and started living the big shot life, he hasn't been the same," said Art Zamensky. "Maybe staying in a loony bin for awhile will be good for him."

Zamensky's mother issued a plea to her son. "It's over, Douglas. Please come home."

"Hey, I'm the Dougsta!"