THREE FRENCH LAUNDRY CUSTOMERS SERIOUSLY INJURED LIFTING NEW MENU THAT CREDITS ALL WHO HELPED THOMAS KELLER

When the late, nearly mythical French chef Joel Robuchon was charged last week - in absentia - for not properly giving credit to the line cook who, in anger, ( don’t ask why), put way too much buerre de baratte in what turned out to be the master’s most famous dish. pomme de terre, aka mashed potatoes, chefs around the world knew it was time to share the spotlight.

In fear of lawsuits - or a slight concerned that creamer hacks would attempt to slam them - chefs began crediting employees for any contribution they may have had to a dish. That, hopefully, reached its crescendo in Napa Valley this week at one of the most acclaimed restaurants in the world.

The French Laundry unveiled its new menu which. on chef/owner Thomas Keller’s orders, credits every one who had even a remote connection to any item listed on the menu.

Unfortunately, the menu turned out so heavy, 52 kilos (114 pounds), that three French Laundry customers were seriously injured navigating it. One, a woman, who requested anonymity, pulled a right spleen and required not only surgery, but counseling. The other two, males, both suffered pulled neck and jaw muscles, separated shoulders and sprained wrists. One of the males, Florida congressman Ted Yoho, is not expected to survive.

Due to the cost of printing ink this publication cannot reprint the entire menu. However, we will include a section of the menu’s listing of one of Keller’s most famous dishes, the first course known as “Oysters and Pearls”. which was formerly listed as a "Sabayon of pearl tapioca with Island Creek oysters and white sturgeon caviar”. The oysters would vary, as would the caviar since you might get the good stuff from the Caspian if you are known.

FROM THE FRENCH LAUNDRY

OYSTERS AND PEARLS - BY THOMAS KELLER WITH SPECIAL CREDIT GIVEN TO THE FOLLOWING

ROBERT ABLE, who shucked most of the oysters this week until a cut wrist sidelined him.

DALBERT PUJOLS - Taught Robert how to shuck oysters. ( A good, though clearly not great teacher)

BOBBY VASQUEZ - Swept and mopped the kitchen floor so Able and Pujols could shuck oysters and not do so on a messy floor.

SYLVIA VASQUEZ - - Tired of her husband Bobby drinking and watching “Breaking Bad”, told him to “get a friggin’ job” which led to Bobby Vasquez landing the gig at the Laundry of cleaning the kitchen floors..Thanks, Sylvie!

MORTON “MORT” or “MORTY” GOLDSTEIN - Made much of the tapioca.

SANDRA CORE - Baby sitter for runner Luis Ramirez who couldn’t have come to work with an innocent conscience if Sandra didn’t watch his four -year old, Manny, (who likes cold french fries more than cereal).

The menu goes on to credit 43 other people for this delicious dish, but I have to get to a funeral, Fuck you.