Surgery To Remove Bottle of Champagne Attached to Mike Hoagland's Body Called "Dismal Failure"

When two young doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced last week they were confident they could removed the bottle of champagne attached to Michael (Mike) Hoalgland's right rib cage, medical professionals from Napa to Reims were encouraged, yet skeptical.

Sunday morning, the skeptical side won out as the surgery proved to be what one hospital administrator called a "dismal failure."

"There were high hopes the bottle could be removed, but i think deep down most of us knew it was unlikely," said Douglas P. Zamensky, CFO* of the Mayo Clinic, generally thought to be the world's greatest hospital named after a sandwich spread. 

Hoagland, who once considered a career as  PGA golfer until he made up his mind to be an professional alcoholic, had for several years denied rumors the champagne bottle was actually attached to his body. In an effort to dissuade those rumors, Hoagland, a former server at Osteria Mozza, would changed the labels on the stuck-to-his-ribs bottle.

"I had heard the rumors, but then I'd see Mike with a Krug Grand Cuvee bottle, then a Dom Perignon Rose, then a Pol Roger Winston Churchill and I figured it couldn't be the same bottle." said Pilar Arias, the storied three Michelin-starred server formerly of Pizzeria Mozza.  "But, the way he would poured the bottle was weird.  Always with that crazy handstand, It was impressive at first. Then cute, But, after a while it was like 'Just pour that motherfucker.' Now, I know why. i hope MIke will be all right."