PENCE, FAUCI SAY RALPH WAXMAN EXAGGERATED HEART BLOCKAGE TO ESCAPE HOME IN CONTROVERSIAL "STIR CRAZY' CASE

Legendary Osteria Mozza server Ralph Waxman entered Huntington Hospital in Pasadena last week complaining of severe chest pains. After several tests, Waxman said ‘They found a 95% blockage in my Left Arterial Descending artery. I was .admitted and, well, I could tell by the looks on their face I was “touch and go”.

Five days later, in a memorable and heartfelt Facebook announcement, Waxman, known as “The Dean of Servers”, thanked the Huntington staff for saving his life and said he ‘would be pushin’ up daisies” if he didn’t go the the hospital because they “found a 95% blockage in my Left Arterial Descending artery.”

But, was it really a 95% block? The White House doesn’t think so.

At the White House briefing Saturday morning. Dr. Anthony Fauci was bombarded with question about Waxman and unleashed a bombshell.

“We have a report that Waxman may have exaggerated his blockage numbers,” Fauci said. “Wax said 95%, but he may have been impaired and slurred 9.5%. He was bored at his house, like so many of us and wanted to get out. Stir Crazy. He did slur that 9.5 into a 95.”

Right then, Peter Jennings of ABC News shot back loudly with “Ralph didn’t say it. He typed it. On Facebook and Tweeter.. You can’t slur on Facebook or Tweeter.”

“Where have you been, Pete?” Fauci replied, “Oh sure you can. My moron boss slurs online every god damn day.”

At that point in the new conference, Mike “Bitch Boy Suck Ass” Pence cut in and issued the following statement. “Ralph Waxman, whose name sounds like a Jew, and who is a Democrat, was suffering from Stir Fever and simply wanted to get out of the house to protest about something.. So he lied to get into a hospital. Then he wrote that Facebook post designed to get sympathy. And it worked. He had responses from your Megans, your Lyankas. They like him, I guess. That photo of him below, he does look kinda good. but I’m not a homo. i don’t like homos I’m not a homo. I’m not. but, that photo. Let me get a copy of that.“

Ralph Waxman was relaxing today after walking three miles Friday. Today is Sunday and hopefully Ralph will be out and protesting something.